Today is day 4 of 31 day blogging challenge. I have found this to actually be a real challenge! You can read more about this challenge here. It’s a fun thing though, because it gives my readers a glimpse into who I am. That’s not something I talk about much, unless it directly relates to a blog post or portion of one. Today’s challenge is, what am I afraid of?
The answer is actually really simple. I am afraid of failure. It terrifies me. This is especially true with my blog. I am constantly worried that it will fail. I love writing, and that comes fairly easy for me. But just because I love it does not magically mean anyone else on the planet wants to read it.
My blog started out as a dream, and me following it. Nathan and I agreed that we would pay for a year of everything. A domain, the email subscription, post office box, and so on down the line. Everything I needed to be as successful as possible. I said, I will either succeed or fail within a year. Either way is just fine with me. The important thing is that I’m following my dream.
That whole I’m ok with both success and failure has become an absolute lie. Because I am beyond invested in my blog now. I have never in my life been so determined to make something successful. Failure isn’t an option, as far as I am concerned. Yet the possibility is always in the back of my mind, scaring me to death.
My blog started as nothing. Anybody can buy a domain on the internet. It isn’t even expensive. Starting from nothing, I’ve built it into something over the last 5 months. I’ve watched my following increase, and people thoroughly enjoy my writing. My blog is my baby, in a sense.
I have the worst time posting personal topics in my blog. What if the most important post to me personally is the worst and everyone hates it? I’ve asked myself that a billion times, and the answer is that I would be devastated.
Now the reality is far different than what I just described. Every post that I’ve ever written that really meant something to me has had the best responses. It has made my day on several occasions. People needed to hear what I had to say, and it helped them. Some have even shared their stories with me. That right there is the best feeling in the world. When I put my heart and soul into a post, and someone feels comfortable enough to share their story with me.
I have the best support system any person could ever ask for as well. Because I am given honest feedback and it helps me grow even more. But in the back of my mind, there is always that worry about failing at something I have come to love.
I realize that I have choices when it comes to my fear of failure. I can let it push me even harder to be successful, or I can let it paralyze me into failure. I’ve chosen success. That fear has made me work a million times harder than many at being the best blogger that I can possibly be.
I like to call this embracing my fear and making it a part of me. That way when I am successful, it brings me even more joy.
In my day 2 post of this challenge, I talked about my inherent skill of being an overachiever when it comes to something I am passionate about. That is really due to my fear of failure. I should be able to do it all, and make it look effortless. It’s not remotely that easy. But I certainly try to do it all, and then some more after that.
I may be slightly insane when it comes to my ridiculous need to be an overachiever and do everything. Or I am just determined. Everybody says “pace yourself” and that is great advice. Easily the best advice someone can give to a person like me. Yet, as they say this, I’m finding more work for myself, creating a to-do list three miles long, or finding something new to learn about when it comes to blogging.
Another part facet of my fear of failure is my incredible ability to overthink everything. That does nothing to help me at all. Yet it is a skill I’m a master in.
So that is the answer. I am afraid of failure. Despite a positive mindset, continued success with my blog, watching my following increase. As well as knowing I am more than halfway toward having the ability to make money from my blog. I still fear it failing and my dreams being shattered. It always lingers in the back of my mind, no matter what. But that fear pushes me harder every day.