Married Life

Funny Marriage Advice

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Funny marriage advice

Today Nathan and I have been married for twelve years. Twelve. I have been thinking about our marriage and how to describe what it is like for others. Here are my favorite quotes and funny marriage advice. I often laugh at these, because they are hilariously accurate at times. 

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

I can’t even begin to tell you how true this is! We’ve both turned learning what annoys the other one and doing it into an art form. It’s almost like a competition at times for us. Remember roadtrips when you were a kid and your sibling would poke you repeatedly? That’s pretty much how this goes for us. 

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

I’ve told Nathan this a million times, and I always point out when he fails by not listening to me. Oh hey, so my way worked, huh? Yeah, so try that first the next time. Never, ever happens though. I’ll die of shock if it ever does. I just have to laugh at him in these moments. 

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.

I’m here to tell you that there are days I dislike Nathan. Sometimes more often than I like him, depending on how much he’s been annoying me. See the first paragraph! But as long as we still love each other, we are good. 

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.

This is so completely true. Marriage is a partnership, but we are also two individuals. Don’t ever lose sight of that fact. Allow yourselves time to be together and separate. It is a balance. 

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The inmates take over the asylum! Yep, I’m pretty sure that is how my marriage looks at times to other people. There are even days it looks like that to me. Every time I start to say “not my circus or my monkeys,” I have to take a step back and realize, yes they are. 

Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you, so they don’t eat all of yours.

I’m here to tell you, I eat copious amounts of certain foods just because I don’t have to share them with Nathan. Enjoy those foods! Seriously, sometimes the ones you don’t have to share are the best. This is especially true if I’m craving something and he’s eaten it all and doesn’t mention it when I can’t find it. 

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

Given that I love to cook, and casseroles are included in my recipes, I like this one. It made me giggle, but it really is true. Marriage is a lot of hard work that nobody else but you two see. That’s ok too. Nobody else needs to see it, honestly. 

A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

You’ll need to learn to forgive often if you plan on staying married! Because you will both screw up, and do it often. 

Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself. Not what is leftover after you’ve given your best to everyone else.

I have learned over the years who gives off toxic draining energy, and who lifts me up. In order to give my husband the best, sometimes I have to limit my time with others. Self care also comes into play here too. I can’t give the best to him if I’m not taking care of myself. 

Important words for a successful marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”

I don’t know of any argument that was ever started while Nathan was doing chores. It’s pretty much impossible to get mad at him at that point. 

Don’t ever stop dating your wife. Don’t ever stop flirting with your husband.

Dating is what keeps things alive. Marriage can easily become boring. That’s why you never stop dating or flirting with each other. Keep that excitement of when you started dating going. 

A happy marriage depends on spouses saying the simple phrase “yes, dear.”

This is like the kindest way to say go screw yourself for us. Nathan says it to me when he knows I’m not happy but thinks he’s right and is smiling and nodding. I say it to him when he’s boring me to tears with a story that simply never ends. I don’t know that there is anything warm and fuzzy about these two words. 

A good marriage is like a good wine, it gets better with age.

I like this one! It really is true. Marriage does get better as time goes on. 

If you want something, feed your spouse.

I constantly have to apologize for the things I’ve said when I am hungry, or worse, hangry. This will also keep your spouse quiet for a while! 

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.

I call Nathan my overgrown five year old quite often. He is easily distracted, especially by candy and chocolate in the store, still plays video games, and sometimes I want a basement to lock him in it. 

If your wife says, “do what you want,” do not do it. Stand still. Don’t blink. Don’t even breathe. Just play dead.

Pretty much. I can’t really expand on this one. It’s just true. 

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. End of story.

Yes! Yes, yes, and just YES! I swear that the bathroom is where we have half our conversations. Usually while one of us is waiting on the other one to exit. Never buy a house with only one bathroom, unless you’re single and plan to stay that way. 

Notes

Marriage is a ton of work, but the results are pretty amazing too. These funny marriage advice tips are spot on. There are days I want to smother my husband with a pillow, but then I would miss him. So he gets to live another day. This is usually followed by a grumpy sigh and some swearing before I start laughing. But after twelve years of marriage, I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Discussion

How long have you been married? Can you relate to any of these tips? What is your favorite piece of advice? Or even funny phrases? Tell me about your funny marriage advice in the comments. Here are some other posts on married life.

11 Comments

  • Iris Findlay

    I really love the point about favorite cereals. I can imagine it’s an all-out showdown in the kitchen if the Honey Nut Cheerios are empty first thing in the morning. This is such a great post. I can’t wait to have this kind of relationship with my partner, whenever he shows up.

    • Stephanie S

      While reading these quotes I giggled, nodded, and read a few of these to my husband. Of course I had to read the quote about doing it the way your wife told you. I hope I got my point across to him, LOL. I love these quotes, and I think my favorite was, a happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers. My husband, and I will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary in January, and through the years we have learned so much about forgiveness. In marriage there will definitely be highs, and lows, but at the end of the day you really just need to come together.

  • Kelly Martin

    These marriage quotes are great. I’m not married but I think separate bathrooms would definitely help the relationship as well as saying “yes dear” fairly often!

  • Kat

    To be fair, chocolate and candy are very distracting. The Lollipop Shop is an all-time favourite for me and I can entertain myself in there for a surprisingly long time.
    Yes to the two bathrooms! The best thing about living on my own is having my own bathroom. I think I could live with sharing a kitchen and maybe even a bedroom, but definitely not a bathroom.

    Congrats on 12 years, that’s a great achievement!

  • Luna S

    This is a fantastic post! I agree with many of the things you’ve brought up, especially the part about it being like adopting a overgrown man child hahaha sometimes I feel like I have three kids instead of just two.

  • Subhashish Roy

    Oh I loved them and they are not at all funny. But to me the key is to fall in love with the same person again and again.And agree a good marriage is like a good wine. It gets better with age.

  • Lyosha

    Great advise and that is something I totally relate. however I do think being into same cereal or other food is generally great. I never worry if I can eat i all because I know he can finish up, I don’t have check on him if he ran out of his favorite food etc, also he cooks way more often than I do and I always know he cooks something delicious for me

  • Britt K

    Yes to all of these! I’m lucky – one of my FAVOURITE flavours when it comes to spoiling myself is mint/chocolate… Peppermint hot chocolate, mint chocolate chip ice cream, peppermint patties! The best part? My husband can’t stand the taste of mint and chocolate combined. He has a HUGE sweet tooth, so any type of sweet treat doesn’t last long here BUT I know if I go the mint/chocolate route, it will always be waiting for me lol

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