I Still Miss You, My Friend
I still miss you, my friend. Death is an evil thing, especially when it comes to suicide and having no explanation for it. Three years later, and there are still no answers as to why you are gone. It is hard to believe it has been three years now.
So much has changed since I wrote this last year. When you died, it was a life-changing experience. There was absolutely no going back to anything close to what I considered normal after that. Sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow, but I was forced to move forward.
That forward momentum has become my new normal. I am always moving forward now, even when it terrifies me or I’m not sure what forward is supposed to look like. I have to keep going and step outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes I’m not even sure I have a comfort zone anymore.
Time Hasn’t Healed Me Yet
As I watch the date on my arm inch closer and closer, I find it difficult to want to participate in life. It’s much easier to bury myself in work and writing. Separating myself from everyone is something I do for a couple of weeks surrounding your death, and I have become more comfortable with it because it is what I need for myself.
Speaking of my writing, I should note that my blog is officially a profitable one! If someone had told me that this would become my dream or even the path that would lead me here, I would have laughed or had them committed. This was definitely not where I thought I would be, but I absolutely love it.
Sharing is Caring
I made myself a new paracord bracelet yesterday since the other one is now three years old and super faded. It isn’t bright pink anymore. Paracord has become a really fun medium to make things with, which wouldn’t have happened without you. I made and wore mine because it reminded me of you. Even now, I find myself unconsciously fidgeting with my bracelet, something I remember you doing as well. This is especially true when I’m thinking about you or working.
Originally it was so personal that I didn’t want to share it with anyone else, no matter how much I enjoyed making it. Now I make and sell them and I am working on several other projects. The best part is that I’ve already sold two of the other projects before I’ve even made them! How cool is that?! Now I look at what I’ve made and I am so proud that you inspired it and other people are wearing and using these things.
I’ll Always Miss You
I still miss you, my friend. There are many times I wish you were still here because I find myself with a thousand questions about life and my blog, that I know you could help me with and be an amazing resource. Instead I am left to navigate those things on my own. But I also realize that I wouldn’t have gone in either direction, writing or prepping, if you were still alive. It is something I wish I had an interest in then, but it simply wasn’t.
I remember once you asked me where my voice was, citing that I had lost it. You were certainly correct when you said that, and I’ve talked about it several times before. I’ve talked about it because I could see just how right you were and it made me sad. Now I find it amusing that I found my voice in my writing. I guess it was always there, but was too often silenced by others around me.
Following My Dreams
One of my favorite things that I’ve become comfortable with since I last wrote to you is dreaming. There are so many dreams attached to my blog and what I want it to become. Some of them seem absolutely crazy, in the sense they are big dreams. Like ridiculously big dreams. Yet I know that I can certainly make them come true.
Nathan tells me often that one thing I certainly do not lack is ambition, and he is correct about that. Everytime I look at the tattoo on my arm or the picture of us on Facebook, I am reminded why I strive so hard to be the best at something I love. You. You are the reason I am on the path I am, and it is perfect for me. That single reason alone is why I refuse to fail. I’ve always thought that if I failed, your death would be in vain and I would have wasted the precious gift you gave me through that experience.
Not The Same Person
As I look back on the last three years, I can easily see that I am not the same person. I know who I was at each yearly interval, and it is crazy to note just how much a year can change me. Just three hundred and sixty five days to a completely new person than what I once was. But that isn’t a bad thing because I am so happy. I still cry, especially right now as the anniversary of your death approaches. But there is so much appreciation for both the impact you had on my life and the journey it has taken me on since your death.
I still want to say thank you, as always. Thank you for the amazing friendship we shared when you were alive. Without it, I wouldn’t be who I am. Your impact on my life is and will always be something I will carry with me forever. It isn’t often we meet someone who changes our lives. But that was definitely you. Thank you for your death as well. I know, that sounds funny, and that is just fine. But without you dying, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. For as much as I hated losing you, there was a huge gift within that experience. That gift is my happiness. I still miss you, my friend.
Life has this funny way of working out exactly how it should. Many times the process to get there sucks. Let’s just be honest here. But those life-changing experiences that change the course of our lives are meant to be there.
I’ll Always Miss You
I still miss you, my friend. I always will.
Are you going through the process of grief? Tell me about your experience in the comments. Read more about grief.