I Miss You More Than Ever, My Friend
I miss you more than ever, my friend. It has been four years now since your death, and it really never gets any easier.
This year seems exceptionally rough, in comparison to previous years. Nathan asked me what I wanted to do this year and my response was, nothing. I want to hide out at home, have everything brought to me, and talk to no one besides Nathan, and hate life. This is a definite coping mechanism for me. Thankfully the people closest to me understand this completely.
It seems like the 4th of July is the start of the countdown to now. Life was normal until then. Then I can literally watch the days tick by until my life was completely ripped apart when you died. I’ve started ignoring memories on social media, because they hurt.
A couple days ago I finally had the opportunity to meet your friend Mikey. We’ve talked several times in the past, but I had never actually met him. Talking to him makes me want to cry every single time. He gets my story, because his is so similar. It both hurts and comforts me to know that someone completely understands exactly what I’m feeling.
The Impact on my life
I often wonder if you ever realized the impact you had on both of us? Or if there are more people out there with a similar story about how you changed their lives? It also makes me wonder if I will ever have that kind of impact on anyone?
After meeting Mikey, I met the sweetest little old lady who asked me about my tattoo sleeve. Somehow that was comforting to talk about with her. Once again, I wanted to cry, but not in a negative way. I felt a little lighter after talking to her about it. I still laugh at the fact I would swear that I would never have a visible tattoo in my lifetime. That was always a rule I had for myself. You were worth breaking that rule for, as it wasn’t something I wanted to hide. I wanted to see it myself every single day.
After Your Death
When you died, I realized that I had surrounded myself with the wrong people, and it was time to say goodbye to several. That’s the ugly part of death. It hurts deeply when people add onto a loss by being selfish. But I’ve also come to learn this is classic narcissistic behavior. This month I’ve been struggling even more because one of those people keeps trying to push their way back into my life. Like a cockroach who simply refuses to die or be squashed.
I finally deleted this person from my social media, and had started taking down pictures because I was ready to say goodbye to the past. Then they create another social media page, and send me a friend request. It came to the point where I had to simply start blocking people whenever we had a mutual friend. I also finally blocked their phone number too. Sad it came to that point, but it was starting to feel like I had a stalker.
Next is purging pictures from my phone. Even as I delete pictures and really say goodbye to the past, I can’t help but smile. You were a man of very few pictures. I cherish the few I do have with you, and they are beyond special. You knew how important pictures were to me, and I could never get you to take any with me, but those precious few. Yet you would constantly reach for my phone and tell me to pose with some neat backdrop, or point to something and say that would make a perfect picture with Nathan. Whenever you reached your hand out to me, I knew exactly what you wanted.
Positives & Negatives
There are a lot of both positive and negative around the anniversary of your death this year. I’m never quite sure how to feel when that happens. The only choice I have is to simply confront and acknowledge the emotions as they pop up.
I wish you were here to see the positives that have come about in my life since you’ve been gone. There are many that I can attribute to the experience of losing you.
I still wear my paracord bracelet for you. That has become a part of me, and I never leave home without it on. Still catch myself fidgeting with it at times, mimicking you.
The thing you would be most proud of is my writing career is taking off. I now have a total of four blogs. Four blogs is absolutely insane, but I am slightly insane too. I have The Prepping Wife and that blog definitely came about after losing you. Becoming a prepper seemed like a great way to honor you, and it was a way to take back the control I had lost in my life.
From there I have branched out into The Cooking Wife where I can share all of my recipes in one place. I miss bringing you my latest creations for taste testing. The memories of making you cakes for your birthday will always stick with me.
The Reading Wife is another new blog that has nothing to do with anything besides my love of reading. Reading is something I stopped making time for until recently, and I am so glad I started again. My goal is to read at least one book a month.
This blog has inspired Nathan to start reading more often as well. We often take one night every couple of weeks and sit on the couch and read together. It is such a great way to slow down and focus on something besides our phones or the tv.
I am still learning to be the best version of myself, and to really embrace who I am. You always loved me for exactly who I was. Oftentimes I wish I could love myself in that same way. I think if I could see myself the way others do, I would be unstoppable.
The future looks bright! I find myself looking a lot more toward the future these days, and planning what I want it to look like. My goals have certainly changed and evolved over time, and I love that. It is exciting to think about what my life will look like in another year, because I know it will be significantly different.
As it always is when I write to you, I want to take a moment to say thank you. Thank you for the incredible gift of our friendship you gave me in life. Thank you for helping to shape the life I have now through your death. You have forever impacted me through your life and your death, and I will always be grateful for both.
I miss you more than ever, my friend. We will meet again in another life and I can thank you directly then.